So, we don’t like hot sauce. At all. I’ve seriously asked Hooters waitresses how spicy the mild sauce is. (And been disappointed when they lied.) My favorite Thai place doesn’t even ask anymore, they just say, “No spice, right?” As scientist-adventurers, we knew hot sauces were something that had to be explored.
Regional chain Tijuana Flats provides a hot sauce bar encompassing levels of heat “Sissy Sauce” (the first two listed below), “Middleweight” (the middle nine), “Tear Jerker” (theoretical appellation awaiting the right sauce), and “Death Wish” (the last two). Remains of Style took advantage of their free-spirited bussing policy to slosh through samples of all. What follows are our results.
Mae Ploy Sweet Chilli Sauce
Belinda says: This is my favorite; I’d put this on anything that held still long enough.
Kyle says: My first hot sauce! Not hot. Tastes okay. No substitute for Velveeta.
Smack My Sweet Ass & Call Me Sally Sweet Chili Hot Sauce
Belinda says: The slightly more adult version of the sauce above.
Kyle says: Oilier than Mae Ploy. Still not hot.
Don’t Be a Chicken Sh!t! Hot Sauce
Belinda says: Very ordinary.
Kyle says: Considered mild by sauceheads, this broke my Scoville hymen and nothing made a serious impression until Endorphin Rush made it feel like my mouth got touched for the very first time.
Tropical Chile Hot & Honey Hot Sauce
Belinda says: Only slightly honey-flavored. Not very hot either. Overall, I’d give it a solid meh.
Kyle says: Insouciant mouthfeel. Unctuous overtones and a faint, sardonic finish.
Smack My Ass & Call Me Sally Habanero Hot Sauce
Belinda says: Vinegary. Reminded me of wings I didn’t care for.
Kyle says: The flagship sauce of Tijuana Flats. Forgettable.
Smack My Ass & Call Me Sally: The Second Slapping Jalapeno Hot Sauce
Belinda says: Ew, it’s green.
Kyle says: I learned that I hate jalapeno. Tastes like vegetables.
Smack My Ass & Call Me… Hot Sriracha Hot Sauce
Belinda says: Nice, but too hot to be useful. Can’t image what those people in Irwindale went through.
Kyle says: Pleasing tang makes it easy to see what makes people go gaga for sriracha.
Bee Sting Honey & Habanero Pepper
Belinda says: The most notable thing about this sauce is the Ugly Casanova song it got stuck in my head.
Kyle says: Quite thick. Oozed from the tap as toothpaste. More honey that hot. I prefer Splendora’s song “Bee Stung Lips”.
Jason’s Mom’s Sauce
Belinda says: This was very ok.
Kyle says: Sugary. Lay’s BBQ flavor. Brava to Jason’s mom.
Ocean Deck Rasta Sauce
Belinda says: When a cocktail sauce and a hot sauce love each other very much…they make gritty hot sauce.
Kyle says: Silty. My favorite of the bunch. Could drink straight.
The Brutal Bajan Hot Habanero Sauce
Belinda says: This was not an attractive sauce.
Kyle says: The orange color was like that episode of The Bob Newhart Show where they repainted the receptionist area. The flavor was like glowing embers.
Endorphin Rush Beyond Hot Sauce
Belinda says: Excellent oral exfoliant. Upon recovery, my mouth felt weak and squishy, like a newborn baby. Unbelievably, I suggested going back for seconds.
Kyle says: With molasses and sugar as ingredients I was expecting this to be second in hotness behind Red Ghost. It seared my palate with chemical vengeance and peeled my lips and left me begging for more.
Red Ghost Naga Bhut Jolokia Hot Sauce
Belinda says: A walk in the park, compared to Endorphin Rush.
Kyle says: After my tongue was ravished by Endorphin Rush, the much-ballyhooed “ghost peppers” didn’t have much arable tongueskin to work with. I could feel them skittering about until eventually burrowing into my esophagus.